Not Helped When In Need

Last night, I called my dad if he could give me a ride home today (because math class ends at 9pm and mom had a shift that ended at 10pm today) and he said no. After thanking him for considering, I was about to hang up when he started bulls***ing that his day would end at 9pm if he gave me a ride. He also went on saying crap like, "I thought your mom loves you. Why wouldn't she give you a lift instead of sitting at home doing nothing," and that I should have asked him earlier and not the night before. If he doesn't want to give me a ride, he already made his point. Why would he continue with that garbage when I didn't even bother to argue or insist like I usually do? He's the one who promised that he would do his best to help whenever I needed it. He made that promise when he noticed that I hardly ask him for help or anything else. I never abused that promise and have only made requests when I need it most.

I didn't bother to remind him of his promise (I never have and never will) because I didn't see the point in doing so. Besides, I don't like forcing people to do something against their will. He doesn't have to help me if he doesn't want to, it's that simple.

When class ended (at 9:10 pm), it was pouring outside and I had to wait for the bus in the heavy rainfall. During my wait, I had no interest in calling him (or my sis, who has an extremely exhausting schedule) for help. The idea just never came to mind and the only thought I had was, "It's just rain, it's not going to kill me. If I get soaked, I'll live," and "I should have brought an umbrella." In the end, I got soaked while I walking the block between the bus stop and my home, and here I am, still healthy and typing this entry.

I'm not upset because I got soaked on my way home. I'm just disappointed that he refused to help me when I was in need. That's it and that's all. Nothing special and nothing complicated.

An Escape from My Past

Last night, I was on the phone with a friend. From her, I found out that she got accepted to Ryerson University! I'm so happy for her and hopefully she does well there!!

During our half-hour conversation, I mentioned about my eagerness to move to a new home (with mom of course) and away from Malvern at the very least. It's not only from the stuff that happens in this neighbourhood (that sort of stuff can happen practically anywhere), or the fact that our suite is too small for us to live in. I just want to escape to a neighbourhood where the people living there don't know who I am and better yet, have no idea of my past. Here in Malvern I'm pretty well-known, but in a negative way. Most of those who know me (minus my friends) only think of me as the girl who's (rumoured to) like so-and-so, who's completely mental, or this and that... and to tell the truth, I'm sick of it.

Those kinds of titles block people from knowing me as a person and who I am today. Yes, I admit it. I have done all sorts of crazy things, but that doesn't mean I won't change and become a different person. People around me have no idea how much it hurts to be known as something that came directly from one's past or how much it hurts when I hear the familiar phrase, "Oh! Isn't that the girl who..." or "Isn't she..." I didn't want it to be that way. It just so happens that the events turned me to that direction. It's not like I wanted to be different and stand out above the crowd. I don't care about being noticed - I never have and never will!

Perhaps that's the reason why I'm so relieved (and happy) that I'm now studying in an environment where no one will look at me under that light and will only know me as who I am today.

I know that moving will not solve anything, but for me, it seems like the only solution. It's not like I could change people's thoughts about me, and even if I could, I don't have the patience to wait for that day to come. However, that doesn't mean I'll be able to move anytime soon. Finding a new home is a long process, especially when you're trying to find the right one. I suppose I'll just have to wait patiently and see how things will unfold for me in the future...

One thing's for sure: the bonds between myself and my friends will not break despite the distance. Perhaps they will become stronger...who knows?