An End to My Lab Kit Problem?

Yesterday, friend E asked me to lend him my lab kit and this time, I said no...

I made that decision days before. I just couldn't stand it anymore, even thinking about it makes me pissed. Of course, to prevent him from going into my locker and "borrowing" it (which is stealing, but I'm assuming that he'll put it back after each use - a stupid assumption, but oh well..), I changed my lock.

When I rejected his request, he asked again, but I didn't budge. He questioned whether I trusted him or not and all I said was, "I've reached my limit and you have mine. I've had enough." About this time, the next class started to enter the classroom and he (quickly) went to a friend. I didn't bother to stick around and left the classroom. Whatever their conversation was about obviously didn't grant him a lab kit because he asked for it at my locker and questioned once again if I trusted him. Without saying a word, I closed my locker and chatted with a few friends about the experiment. By the time our conversation ended, friend E still sat on the hallway perpendicular to my locker and was late for his next class.

As I went downstairs to the cafeteria, I started to feel bad and more or less guilty. It felt like I wasn't helping a friend in need. A part of me knew I was doing the right thing, but why does it have to feel like this? To be engulfed with guilt? I resisted my every nerve from travelling upstairs to check up on him because I knew I would suffer from indescribable consequences if I do. I told myself to stay strong and endured the overwhelming guilt.

I forced myself to think of more practical worries: my partnership with him in Organic Chemistry labs. I still have to work with him as partners and it would be fairly impossible to switch with someone. I started to wonder how I would record his observations, as the experiment is often split between partners to save time. With this conflict, I couldn't imagine how our partnership will turn out and more importantly, this could be the end of our friendship.

It's too late to worry now. I've already made this move, and there's no turning back. I'll just have to take everything as it comes, even if it means all at once!

An Escape from My Past

Last night, I was on the phone with a friend. From her, I found out that she got accepted to Ryerson University! I'm so happy for her and hopefully she does well there!!

During our half-hour conversation, I mentioned about my eagerness to move to a new home (with mom of course) and away from Malvern at the very least. It's not only from the stuff that happens in this neighbourhood (that sort of stuff can happen practically anywhere), or the fact that our suite is too small for us to live in. I just want to escape to a neighbourhood where the people living there don't know who I am and better yet, have no idea of my past. Here in Malvern I'm pretty well-known, but in a negative way. Most of those who know me (minus my friends) only think of me as the girl who's (rumoured to) like so-and-so, who's completely mental, or this and that... and to tell the truth, I'm sick of it.

Those kinds of titles block people from knowing me as a person and who I am today. Yes, I admit it. I have done all sorts of crazy things, but that doesn't mean I won't change and become a different person. People around me have no idea how much it hurts to be known as something that came directly from one's past or how much it hurts when I hear the familiar phrase, "Oh! Isn't that the girl who..." or "Isn't she..." I didn't want it to be that way. It just so happens that the events turned me to that direction. It's not like I wanted to be different and stand out above the crowd. I don't care about being noticed - I never have and never will!

Perhaps that's the reason why I'm so relieved (and happy) that I'm now studying in an environment where no one will look at me under that light and will only know me as who I am today.

I know that moving will not solve anything, but for me, it seems like the only solution. It's not like I could change people's thoughts about me, and even if I could, I don't have the patience to wait for that day to come. However, that doesn't mean I'll be able to move anytime soon. Finding a new home is a long process, especially when you're trying to find the right one. I suppose I'll just have to wait patiently and see how things will unfold for me in the future...

One thing's for sure: the bonds between myself and my friends will not break despite the distance. Perhaps they will become stronger...who knows?

Should I? Or Should I Not?

When the biology lecture ended today, Teresa came up to me and apologized for what she said to me two days ago. I got pissed off at the sight of her and so I simply waved her away as I walked past her towards the exit. I know that was a fairly rude gesture, but somehow I don't feel guilty for my rudeness (as I usually do in normal situations) because deep inside I felt that she deserved it.

Afterwards, I told friend C (from "The Events So Far" entry) about what happened in the lecture room and apparently, she was a bit surprised. As we all know, Teresa is not a person who would ever admit her faults, not to mention apologize for them. Then I asked friend C something that lingered in my mind at the time: should I accept Teresa's apology? All friend C said was, "It's up to you." Not being too pleased with her response, I asked her what she would do if it happened to her. Unfortunately, she didn't know, nor could she imagine it. Knowing how bothered I am by the situation, she helped me sort out what has happened during the school year.

During the first semester, all was peaceful and everyone was happy. However, things changed once the second semester began. Including the insult, Teresa has thrown me her attitude/insults for a total of FOUR times, excluding the COUNTLESS "mean" jokes she's said to me, and to be honest, the mean jokes are more rude and insulting than they are mean. Teresa is someone who expects others to let go of the mean jokes she says but takes them seriously (and I mean extremely seriously) when said to her and (as friend C pointed out) she tends to fire her insults at me (and not so much to the others). I guess it's because she knows that I don't take the mean jokes seriously, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to accept them on a daily basis.

As I'm typing this entry, I remember a phrase from a pledge that all the students at my junior high had to memorize: "I am responsible for my own actions" and it's true. Everyone is responsible for what they say and do, and there are NO exceptions. Having that said, I don't think I should accept her apology. There is NO way I'm going to take another crap from her, and I shouldn't. Besides, she IS responsible for what she said, and therefore, she should endure the consequences. She should learn that nothing in this world is bound to go her way, nor is it obligated to take her attitude - especially in the working world.

Whether she learns her lesson or not, it is no longer my problem, and it wasn't supposed to from the start. There is absolutely NO way I'm going to be friends with her, nor am I going to take another crap from ANYONE, and she's no different.