How Much More Can I Stand?

Mom was yelling at me just now. I don't know how much more I can stand, or how much more would give me a nervous breakdown. I'm trying so hard to hang on, but slowly I'm loosing grip. I've thought of moving out, I really have. The only thing that's stopping me is the thought of mom being all by herself from then on, without anyone around to help her or to take care of her.

Problem is, her temper is something I'm trying really hard to withstand, to tolerate. All I'm hoping is to survive all this til the very end, when she's really old - too old to yell at me.

Will I make it? Will I collapse before I'm there? Or will I give up in the middle? Only time will tell...

Do I Really Deserve This?

As usual, mom's yelling at me again, and to add more pain, my head is pounding right now. So much has been in my mind lately, and her yellings aren't doing much for me - except giving me more pain. I have several worries about school, financial stability and everything in between. Now, I'm going to add more stuffing to my already-congested mind with worries related to moving out and renting my own place. I feel like the boy who cried wolf right now. It's not the first time I've complained about this and my wanting to move out, and yet I still stayed with her. It's useless to complain - I know - but there's no way I'll last for 6 months on my own.

Regretting my past decisions, I'm trying so hard to hang on and not even sure when I'll loose my grip. It's so hard to breathe right now and tears are rolling down my cheeks (from headache and this) while typing this entry...

(Sigh) Finally, silence... Maybe I'll have some peace of mind now...

Song of the Week

The song featured this week is "Too Late" by Dead by Sunrise. Dead by Sunrise is Chester Bennington's (Linkin Park's lead vocalist) side project. When I first downloaded their debut album weeks ago (called Out of Ashes), I was surprised to hear his voice (at the time I didn't know he was part of it). Without fail, I love the songs in the album.

And so, here it is: Too Late by Dead by Sunrise!!

Song of the Week!

After such a long time, I'm finally continuing "Song of the Week!" The song featured is called Forever Love by DBSK.

During the funeral, when I looked at grandma lying peacefully in the coffin, this song played in my mind. It's such a nice song, yet I thought of it at that time - not sure if it's a good thing or not...


Anyways, DBSK's Forever Love is this week's Song of the Week!

Grandma, I'll Miss You Always

I received a phone call from dad last Tuesday. He told me that grandma had a stroke and was sent to the hospital. Upon hearing that, I immediately made my way there to see her. According to the doctor, 75% of her brain was gone and only 25% remained. Her chance for full recovery was minimal.

At the hospital, grandma was already in coma and and seemed to have problems breathing. She relied on oxygen and despite her coma state, she would open her mouth and gasp for air (or seemed so) every now and then. At the time, it felt like she was in some sort of pain. I stood by her bedside for two hours or so until I had to return home as I had class at 8:30 in the morning.

The next day, I called dad to find out how she was. I even planned to visit her on Saturday. Unfortunately, she passed away on Thursday morning and the funeral was scheduled that Saturday.

At the funeral, people cried and sobbed and I stood there, emotionless. When I saw her lying in the coffin, she seemed quite peaceful, as if fast asleep.

Afterwards, we gathered and had a meal together. At the restaurant, people ate and ironically laughed at each other's jokes. I couldn't bear to even smile and not to mention laugh. In my mind, I repeated the same question over and over again: "How can these people laugh? Their mother and grandmother just passed and yet they are able to laugh?!" It was quite shocking to me. The ones who were crying and sobbing at the funeral were now laughing at the restaurant. How ironic!

I knew the time would come for her to pass, but didn't expect it to come this soon, especially when I visited her the week before. At that time, she was quite healthy and complained how her joints hurt, giving her problems with walking.

All I hope for is peace of mind and happiness for those who misses her and that they could move on.