To Move or Not to Move, That is a Serious Matter!

It's been quite a while since my last post on the last week of October - almost two months. During this time, I've been really busy with multiple assignments and tests and didn't seem to find the time to sleep - not to mention blog! The semester's over by the end of exams and finally I'll have the opportunity to get some satisfying rest. Right now, I'm just taking a short break before I bury beneath my books and study like crazy, but then again I can't do that till I get home from work (I have a shift tomorrow).

Nothing really major happened until two weeks ago. As usual, mom would scold about the smallest things but somehow, her scoldings became more and more frequent than usual. Then suddenly, the words "Move the f*** out!" would burst from her lips from time to time. I knew then that her infamous phase from grade 10 has returned!

Friends who knew me then witnessed how much trouble this "phase" has caused me. It had struck a few weeks before exams, a time when major assignments and projects were assigned. Mom would scold me to an extent where she would kick me out of the apartment and allow my return hours later. Due to her insensitive scolding, I would travel to the library (to study and do homework) and return home when it closed 8:30pm. Because of her constant scoldings, holidays became my worst nightmare (school and trips to the library were my only escape). Things became so problematic that I made plans to move to my dad's place (my parents are divorced and I've been living with mom). Just when I was about to pack my stuff, she started to cry and said she wanted me to stay. She even mentioned that by moving I was abandoning her. In the end, she promised she won't scold me ever again and for reasons unknown to even myself, I stayed. Her promise was only for effective the following two weeks because she continued to scold afterwards. Despite my regret, I stayed with mom.

About two weeks ago, mom would constantly scold and would make me do the most unimportant things while I was trying to complete my assignments. Her scoldings became so frequent that I chose to do my studying while she slept.

On Thursday morning, she yelled at me for being in the bathroom, preventing her from getting ready for her 1:30pm appointment to get her car fixed at Ford (and yes, we shared ONE bathroom). When I came out, she was still yelling at me. I was about to reach my bag when she started to tug me at the collar of my shirt and made attempts to scatch my neck. To counter her attack, I held her wrists and started to holler her to stop. We struggled for the next few minutes until she broke down in tears. When she finally let go of my shirt, I ran into the bedroom and changed. I came out afterwards to see her crying on the sofa and went over to comfort her. She pushed me away and told me to move out. I gave her the key and told her that I would return home after 10pm until I find a place to stay. When I got to school and asked my friends for help, one of them offered me a suite at an affordable price.

At about 7:20pm that day, mom phoned me home. She didn't mention my moving out when I stepped in but I went up to her about it. I told her that I found a place and could move out the following Wednesday. She was surprised and said she never wanted me to move out. In the end, she proposed a deal and said a bunch of things that made me to (unwillingly) agree to stay. Honestly, why would she say something and not mean it at all? I seriously don't see the point in that. I already texted my friend of not renting her place and seriously owe her an apology.

Even though we've come to an agreement, I'm still going to keep an eye for a place with an affordable rent. A friend of mine had said that it would be best to move out if her scolding affects my studies and ultimately my marks. Besides, mom may not be serious of the matter right now but there's no guarantee that she won't be in the future. Doesn't hurt to be prepared right?

Revisiting Winter Sonata...

Mom's scolding me right now. She's saying that I'm making her spend so much money and that my presence here is a waste for her. She's also saying things like, "Did your father send you here to cause me so much trouble? Why don't you ever go to him? Why don't you just f- to your father's? Why stay with me?" and that I don't care about her. Now's she's criticizing that I spend so much money on myself and nothing on her. I seriously don't understand why she's doing this. She just suddenly went off with all this garbage for no reason - unless... She's watching a TVB drama called "Moonlight Resonance" and perhaps it triggered her eruption. It's about some kind of family dispute and to be honest, I have little interest in watching something like that.

Today, mom picked me up after class and drove me to STC to check next week's schedule at my workplace (I have a shift on Sunday from 11 to 4pm). Then we went to Pacific Mall to exchange the DVD's she bought last week with sis (apparently they're not functioning properly). Now she's mumbling that she needs to yell at me whenever she's starting to feel better, in terms of health and that I carry my father's 'evil' characteristics without living with him. While she spoke to the lady at the store, I went to their DVD collection and found Winter Sonata! I loved the drama since the first time I watched it in grade 10 (about four years ago)! Now she's mumbling that whoever falls for me must have done something terrible in their previous lives to cause such misfortune (jeez). I just couldn't resist and bought it.

It's interesting how the drama feels so new and fresh, as if I'm watching it for the first time...yet, at the same time, it feels like I'm visiting an old friend...

One thing's for sure, my love for Winter Sonata has never changed and do you know what would be perfect? Getting its soundtrack! I'm starting to look for it, but with little progress. I really want it and hopefully I'll find it in the end!

Lunch, My Treat!

It's been about a month and a half since I started working! Awesome huh? For the first time, I finally did something that I really wanted to since my first paycheck! What is it? It's treating my mom to a meal!! And today, I finally did it!!

When I got off work at three, mom picked me up (to save bus fares). Since we were both a little hungry (I didn't eat anything since last night), we went to Market Village (beside Pacific Mall) for lunch. After we finished ordering, I quickly told mom that I wanted to treat her. As I paid for the order, mom must have been smiling during the whole time because the lady behind the counter exclaimed, "Look at the huge smile on your mother's face!" Mom was still smiling as she said, "Yup! She just started working and is treating me for the first time!"

The meal didn't really cost much, but I certainly noticed how much she enjoyed it. The whole process felt so good! I finally did something that made her happy! It was a small and simple gesture, but I'm sure it's the thought that made her so happy. Seeing her wearing such a huge smile filled me with something that I can't fully describe..was it happiness? pride? or a mixture of both? I can't tell - but whichever it was, it's definately one of the greatest moments of my life!

Crushing Under the Pressure

It's been three days since the beginning of March Break and all I have been doing for the past few days is nothing but homework. Somehow, I have been quite desperate to complete all my assignments and my studies for the upcoming tests. I haven't done anything fun, like going out with friends, etc. The only thing I'm looking forward to is going to this year's Anime Con with a few of my high school friends, although I'm not sure if I'm able to go in the end...

I have also went around asking stores if they are hiring, as the summer holiday is going to start surprisingly soon. Mom has been pushing and pressuring me to find a summer job "or else," but it's not like I would want to sit at home doing nothing. I just don't understand why she's diminishing my hopes in getting a job by telling me that the odds of me finding one is near zero, no matter how many resumes I hand out (Sadly, I actually agree with her. Right now, under the economic crisis, there are quite a number of people who lost their jobs because the companies they worked for could not support them - but she could at least encourage my efforts instead of putting me down. All she's been doing is increasing my pressure and ridding my hopes for a better future, which involves her as well - not just myself).

Another thing that's adding on to the pressure is the fact that she's getting old. For the past few years, she's been constantly reminding me that the household will soon rely on me to support and I have known (even without her telling me) this fact since I was 10/12 years old. You can imagine how painful (and tiring) it is for a child to have this kind of responsibility and pressure on her shoulder at such a young age.

Several times, I have wanted to give up altogether - but the only thing that's keeping me going are the friends I have who, unknowingly, gave me a lot of encouragement and support. Of course, I have also reminded myself that I cannot be so selfish and leave my mother behind. To relieve part of my stress, I download songs and pictures of my favourite singers, bands and actors, and maintain my craze for anime. All these things have, somehow, become my life.

I just don't know how much longer I could put up with this burden. I don't want to give up so easily, but somehow the increase of this pressure of mine is steering me towards it. Is that where I'm going to end up?