A Lowlife?

I have been given the biggest insult a person can ever receive. Today, a so-called friend called me a lowlife. Who? Her name's Teresa, the same friend I mentioned in "The Events So Far" entry whom I begged for forgiveness just because I attempted to mend her friendship with friend A (and yes, their friendship is still broken). What happened? While friend C (from "The Events So Far" entry) went to stand in line to use the microwave provided by the school, we continued the conversation about the bag an Asian dude left behind at our table while he stood in line for the microwave. I didn't like it there while she said she didn't mind at all. The conversation magically elevated into an argument where she first called me selfish and later on, a lowlife.

However, what she didn't know is that while I stayed behind to guard the table when she and friend C went to their lockers, the Asian dude just walked up to the table and dropped his stuff on the chair. When I told him that someone is sitting there, he just looked at me, continued to take out his lunch and left his bag while he walked towards the line for the microwave.

Does disliking a situation like that make me a lowlife? Does she even KNOW what a lowlife is at all? I don't even see the point in trying to maintain a friendship with someone so barbarous like her. Fine. She called me a lowlife, then I'll show her what kind of a lowlife I can actually be! Unfortunately, my conscience is stopping me from giving her payback because I know that under ANY circumstances, hurting someone is wrong. Besides, it doesn't solve anything.

No one has ever given me such an insult, and NEVER would I EVER call ANYBODY a lowlife. NO ONE deserves this kind of an insult; calling someone one only shows what kind of a person you are. She better not come looking for trouble, or else I'll DEFINITELY show her my true colours. I don't want to hurt anyone nor do I like to, but somehow she's asking for it. Should I give it to her?

Crushing Under the Pressure

It's been three days since the beginning of March Break and all I have been doing for the past few days is nothing but homework. Somehow, I have been quite desperate to complete all my assignments and my studies for the upcoming tests. I haven't done anything fun, like going out with friends, etc. The only thing I'm looking forward to is going to this year's Anime Con with a few of my high school friends, although I'm not sure if I'm able to go in the end...

I have also went around asking stores if they are hiring, as the summer holiday is going to start surprisingly soon. Mom has been pushing and pressuring me to find a summer job "or else," but it's not like I would want to sit at home doing nothing. I just don't understand why she's diminishing my hopes in getting a job by telling me that the odds of me finding one is near zero, no matter how many resumes I hand out (Sadly, I actually agree with her. Right now, under the economic crisis, there are quite a number of people who lost their jobs because the companies they worked for could not support them - but she could at least encourage my efforts instead of putting me down. All she's been doing is increasing my pressure and ridding my hopes for a better future, which involves her as well - not just myself).

Another thing that's adding on to the pressure is the fact that she's getting old. For the past few years, she's been constantly reminding me that the household will soon rely on me to support and I have known (even without her telling me) this fact since I was 10/12 years old. You can imagine how painful (and tiring) it is for a child to have this kind of responsibility and pressure on her shoulder at such a young age.

Several times, I have wanted to give up altogether - but the only thing that's keeping me going are the friends I have who, unknowingly, gave me a lot of encouragement and support. Of course, I have also reminded myself that I cannot be so selfish and leave my mother behind. To relieve part of my stress, I download songs and pictures of my favourite singers, bands and actors, and maintain my craze for anime. All these things have, somehow, become my life.

I just don't know how much longer I could put up with this burden. I don't want to give up so easily, but somehow the increase of this pressure of mine is steering me towards it. Is that where I'm going to end up?

The Events So Far

First, it was my birthday on the 23rd. During high school, I usually dreaded over the arrival of my birthday. Why? Because it usually meant that exams for the first semester would be less than a few days away. Having that said, everyone around me (including myself) would be busy studying and preparing for exams, hoping to earn a good mark. Now, during my first year in college, exams were written a month before my birthday. However, I didn't expect anything special from my friends I made there, since I didn't want to endure another disappointment (and to tell the truth, it's painful). Surprisingly, they did want to something fun for our birthdays! (Let me explain: besides myself, there was another person in our group of four who had a birthday in January and it was three days before mine. So, we decided to celebrate our birthdays on the Friday of that week, which happened to be the exact date of mine!) The original plan was to go to a restaurant and have meal there. Instead, they decided to throw a party in one of their homes and cook dinner for us. And so, we had pasta for dinner and a chocolate cake for dessert! To tell the truth, it was my first time in my life so far to have friends to celebrate my birthday with me, and you can definitely imagine how touched I was and I hard I tried to fight the tears that really wanted to fall.

Second, on the following Monday, two of my friends (from college) had a fight (lets call them friend A and friend B). Last week, friend C and myself tried to bring them together and get them to have a good talk with each other. Unfortunately, I ended up having an argument with friend B and have begged for her forgiveness over something where I was not at fault. Was it wrong to persuade her to talk to friend A? Was it wrong to help mend their friendship? Now, I'm wondering if I should continue being friends with her and whether I should distant myself from her. What should I do? What could be done?

Now, I'm still hurting myself over something I should have let go since I started college. Since the snowfall a few days ago, I couldn't stop recollecting memories of him. Why am I doing this to myself? Although I really do miss him, I think it's time for the madness to stop. It should and must stop NOW.