Is It Worth It?

March Break had come to an end and all I did were four things: eat, sleep, homework and study. Thank goodness to the a few hours of TV or else I would have melted under the pressure! And believe me, two tests, of which I'm not too confident about, in a row with only a day to separate them...that's what I'll definitely call pressure!

After I got off the bus from school today, I saw a couple, hand in hand, walking from the direction of the library towards the neighbourhood shopping mall. It was a close friend of mine and her boyfriend. I didn't walk over, nor did I called for her attention - I just walked on the other side of the road, pretending to have not seen them. It's not nice to interrupt their sweetness! As I walked home, I smiled and wished them eternal happiness.

It's actually a very fortunate thing to be able to be with the person you like, if not love. I, unfortunately, don't have that opportunity. You may find it silly, but I never thought of telling him how I felt. Instead, I fear that if I told him, our friendship would end. I just don't want to him say, "I'm sorry, but I only thought of you as a friend. Nothing more." If he does (and I'm pretty sure he would), I know that I won't have the courage to face him ever again and I'll definitely avoid him. Perhaps you will think of me as a coward, but who's to judge? I don't mind him not knowing about it. Although I'm able to maintain our friendship, is the pain really worth it?

Currently, the songs: "Insufficient Love," "Why Did I Fall in Love with You?" and "Rainy Night" all describe how I've been feeling all this time. "Insufficient Love" always makes me cry. I guess it's because of the "let go" part!

I actually summed up a lot of courage to include this post in my blog. I hope that I won't regret for ever posting this entry in the future. If I do, I'm pretty sure that I will not just remove this post, I might even remove my entire blog or worse yet, close my account. I just hope that day will never come.

Crushing Under the Pressure

It's been three days since the beginning of March Break and all I have been doing for the past few days is nothing but homework. Somehow, I have been quite desperate to complete all my assignments and my studies for the upcoming tests. I haven't done anything fun, like going out with friends, etc. The only thing I'm looking forward to is going to this year's Anime Con with a few of my high school friends, although I'm not sure if I'm able to go in the end...

I have also went around asking stores if they are hiring, as the summer holiday is going to start surprisingly soon. Mom has been pushing and pressuring me to find a summer job "or else," but it's not like I would want to sit at home doing nothing. I just don't understand why she's diminishing my hopes in getting a job by telling me that the odds of me finding one is near zero, no matter how many resumes I hand out (Sadly, I actually agree with her. Right now, under the economic crisis, there are quite a number of people who lost their jobs because the companies they worked for could not support them - but she could at least encourage my efforts instead of putting me down. All she's been doing is increasing my pressure and ridding my hopes for a better future, which involves her as well - not just myself).

Another thing that's adding on to the pressure is the fact that she's getting old. For the past few years, she's been constantly reminding me that the household will soon rely on me to support and I have known (even without her telling me) this fact since I was 10/12 years old. You can imagine how painful (and tiring) it is for a child to have this kind of responsibility and pressure on her shoulder at such a young age.

Several times, I have wanted to give up altogether - but the only thing that's keeping me going are the friends I have who, unknowingly, gave me a lot of encouragement and support. Of course, I have also reminded myself that I cannot be so selfish and leave my mother behind. To relieve part of my stress, I download songs and pictures of my favourite singers, bands and actors, and maintain my craze for anime. All these things have, somehow, become my life.

I just don't know how much longer I could put up with this burden. I don't want to give up so easily, but somehow the increase of this pressure of mine is steering me towards it. Is that where I'm going to end up?

The Events So Far

First, it was my birthday on the 23rd. During high school, I usually dreaded over the arrival of my birthday. Why? Because it usually meant that exams for the first semester would be less than a few days away. Having that said, everyone around me (including myself) would be busy studying and preparing for exams, hoping to earn a good mark. Now, during my first year in college, exams were written a month before my birthday. However, I didn't expect anything special from my friends I made there, since I didn't want to endure another disappointment (and to tell the truth, it's painful). Surprisingly, they did want to something fun for our birthdays! (Let me explain: besides myself, there was another person in our group of four who had a birthday in January and it was three days before mine. So, we decided to celebrate our birthdays on the Friday of that week, which happened to be the exact date of mine!) The original plan was to go to a restaurant and have meal there. Instead, they decided to throw a party in one of their homes and cook dinner for us. And so, we had pasta for dinner and a chocolate cake for dessert! To tell the truth, it was my first time in my life so far to have friends to celebrate my birthday with me, and you can definitely imagine how touched I was and I hard I tried to fight the tears that really wanted to fall.

Second, on the following Monday, two of my friends (from college) had a fight (lets call them friend A and friend B). Last week, friend C and myself tried to bring them together and get them to have a good talk with each other. Unfortunately, I ended up having an argument with friend B and have begged for her forgiveness over something where I was not at fault. Was it wrong to persuade her to talk to friend A? Was it wrong to help mend their friendship? Now, I'm wondering if I should continue being friends with her and whether I should distant myself from her. What should I do? What could be done?

Now, I'm still hurting myself over something I should have let go since I started college. Since the snowfall a few days ago, I couldn't stop recollecting memories of him. Why am I doing this to myself? Although I really do miss him, I think it's time for the madness to stop. It should and must stop NOW.

A Winter Sonata Moment

Today, while I was waiting for the bus, light fluffy snowflakes fell from the sky. The scenery was lovely and I have dreamed to walk with my (potential) boyfriend under such beautiful view. Somehow, it reminded me of the Korean drama: Winter Sonata and ultimately, him.

I haven't seen him for quite a long time. I wonder what he's doing right now...

But why, of all people, must it be him?


TO BE CONTINUED...?

A Historical Moment

Today at 12:05pm, Barack Obama officially became president of the United States. Millions of people around the globe witnessed an African-American become the first black president in the American history. This is truly a historical highlight, but I'm wondering..will there ever be a female president in the future? Who will be the first female president in the American history? Will a huge crowd witness her presidential inauguration?

In this universe, anything is possible. I just hope this dream of mine will come true!