A Regret

In the beginning, I remember telling myself that I'm very lucky to have found the person I truly like. However, it's no longer the case. Whenever I think of him now, it always starts off with a smile then ends with tears. It's been a painful journey, too painful for myself to handle. I am trying really hard to let him go, but will I succeed?

I have asked myself (qute a few times) if I regretted for falling for him and my answers were always "No." Sadly, I think that's about to change: I'm starting to not just regret it, but wishing to have not met him in the first place.

I wonder how things will unfold for me in the future. I suppose only time will tell...

Anime Con!

So, last week I mentioned that I was going to attend the Anime Con and I did with three high school friends! Setting off from McDonald's, we took the TTC to the Scarborough Centre RT Station. When we arrived, there were a lot of people; some sitting in the hallway, others dancing in huge groups. Not to my surprise, almost all the people there were in cosplay and it was as if we were the only ones who didn't! Like last year, the Anime Convention was held in the same room in the Metro Toronto Convention Centre. But don't misunderstand, I did have fun there and I'm not lying. The source of my happiness came from the appreciation that I was able to spend time with my high school friends since commencement, even though I was only with three of them.

Of course, I didn't just look around the room - I did get a little something for myself as a souvenir. What was it you ask? Well, I came across a booth and saw two NANA 2 cell phone charms: one was black and the other was pink. The black one represented Nana Osaki and the pink one represented Nana Komatsu (a.k.a. Hachi). The choice was quite easy to make. Since I don't like the colour pink, I chose the black one instead. The Fan Expo's coming up. I wonder if I'll be able to go...

The Anime Con is Finally Here!

At last! The event that I've been anticipating is finally here! You guessed it: it's the Anime Con! I've been waiting for its arrival since the beginning of the New Year. I just can't wait 'til I go there on Sunday! Hopefully, it will bring me an unexpected surprise!

Is It Worth It?

March Break had come to an end and all I did were four things: eat, sleep, homework and study. Thank goodness to the a few hours of TV or else I would have melted under the pressure! And believe me, two tests, of which I'm not too confident about, in a row with only a day to separate them...that's what I'll definitely call pressure!

After I got off the bus from school today, I saw a couple, hand in hand, walking from the direction of the library towards the neighbourhood shopping mall. It was a close friend of mine and her boyfriend. I didn't walk over, nor did I called for her attention - I just walked on the other side of the road, pretending to have not seen them. It's not nice to interrupt their sweetness! As I walked home, I smiled and wished them eternal happiness.

It's actually a very fortunate thing to be able to be with the person you like, if not love. I, unfortunately, don't have that opportunity. You may find it silly, but I never thought of telling him how I felt. Instead, I fear that if I told him, our friendship would end. I just don't want to him say, "I'm sorry, but I only thought of you as a friend. Nothing more." If he does (and I'm pretty sure he would), I know that I won't have the courage to face him ever again and I'll definitely avoid him. Perhaps you will think of me as a coward, but who's to judge? I don't mind him not knowing about it. Although I'm able to maintain our friendship, is the pain really worth it?

Currently, the songs: "Insufficient Love," "Why Did I Fall in Love with You?" and "Rainy Night" all describe how I've been feeling all this time. "Insufficient Love" always makes me cry. I guess it's because of the "let go" part!

I actually summed up a lot of courage to include this post in my blog. I hope that I won't regret for ever posting this entry in the future. If I do, I'm pretty sure that I will not just remove this post, I might even remove my entire blog or worse yet, close my account. I just hope that day will never come.

Crushing Under the Pressure

It's been three days since the beginning of March Break and all I have been doing for the past few days is nothing but homework. Somehow, I have been quite desperate to complete all my assignments and my studies for the upcoming tests. I haven't done anything fun, like going out with friends, etc. The only thing I'm looking forward to is going to this year's Anime Con with a few of my high school friends, although I'm not sure if I'm able to go in the end...

I have also went around asking stores if they are hiring, as the summer holiday is going to start surprisingly soon. Mom has been pushing and pressuring me to find a summer job "or else," but it's not like I would want to sit at home doing nothing. I just don't understand why she's diminishing my hopes in getting a job by telling me that the odds of me finding one is near zero, no matter how many resumes I hand out (Sadly, I actually agree with her. Right now, under the economic crisis, there are quite a number of people who lost their jobs because the companies they worked for could not support them - but she could at least encourage my efforts instead of putting me down. All she's been doing is increasing my pressure and ridding my hopes for a better future, which involves her as well - not just myself).

Another thing that's adding on to the pressure is the fact that she's getting old. For the past few years, she's been constantly reminding me that the household will soon rely on me to support and I have known (even without her telling me) this fact since I was 10/12 years old. You can imagine how painful (and tiring) it is for a child to have this kind of responsibility and pressure on her shoulder at such a young age.

Several times, I have wanted to give up altogether - but the only thing that's keeping me going are the friends I have who, unknowingly, gave me a lot of encouragement and support. Of course, I have also reminded myself that I cannot be so selfish and leave my mother behind. To relieve part of my stress, I download songs and pictures of my favourite singers, bands and actors, and maintain my craze for anime. All these things have, somehow, become my life.

I just don't know how much longer I could put up with this burden. I don't want to give up so easily, but somehow the increase of this pressure of mine is steering me towards it. Is that where I'm going to end up?