Skating for the First Time!

Seems like it's been a month since my last post. Quite a bit of drama happened here and there, but I don't see the point in mentioning them here...

It's the second week into my winter break and fortunately didn't do much sitting around! I worked almost everyday last week, which is a pretty good remedy for overspending on Christmas gifts. Aside from working, I got a chance to have some fun today: skating!

I skated for the first time today at Nathan Phillip Square. As a first-timer, it wasn't easy. During my first few steps, I gripped on my friends for dear life and pulled them to the ground with me! Everyone else around me were moving so quickly, even the little kids. Tee even said that I was moving 0.5 metres/hr, though I think I was moving a LOT slower than that! But nonetheless, I had a lot of fun and hopefully we'll go again next week as planned before classes recommence.

Finally Sick!

After being surrounded by countless people with colds and flu, I finally came down with a flu on Friday morning and a fever later that day. I'm feeling a lot better now, with coughing, sneezing and other cold-like symptoms. Hope I'll be back to normal tomorrow...

Semi-annual Rampage Has Started! (Again)

Mom's semi-annual "move-out" rampage started a few days ago and will last for I-don't-know how many days. Funny thing is, it was triggered by simply not going grocery shopping with her in order to study for 3 tests (scheduled one after the other). One thing's for sure, her constant insults aren't much help and I'm too sick of it to even care. I'm already stressed enough with schoolwork and workplace issues, I don't need more to suffocate myself. Maybe I should have stayed at the campus to get some studying done. The test tomorrow morning is huge and I'm nowhere near ready. What am I going to do???

(Study, obviously!)

Ridiculous Teacher

Wow.. It's been a month already since my last post and honestly, I've really been that busy. From the weekly reports to tests almost every week - this is my last year so I guess that's why...

I'm still at school right now as I'm typing this...and in about two hours I'll be going into my next class to continue an experiment. I suppose this is one of those rare moments that actually allows me to relax for a bit and do whatever I want.

I'm ridiculously tired right now. I just had a test early this morning at 8:30am and my previous class almost sucked out my soul - thank goodness my partner, E.C, was there! That class really isn't that intense - it's just the fact that we only have less than two weeks left to complete our project and we weren't even half done. Thanks to E.C, we only have a small part of it left and we're finished! We would've got a lot more accomplished without rushing if it weren't for our teacher. He's constantly giving us something new to handle: an entirely different set of procedures to work with seconds after we handed-in our proposal (that we spent weeks working on), making us do something that had nothing to do with our experiment and giving us new bacterial strains to work with two weeks ago. This isn't just happening to us, to what I heard, other groups are suffering just the same. On top of that, he's constantly throwing his temper at us and bashing us with insults (like "you have no common sense" and believe me, there's much, much more). He sort of reminds me of this high school teacher I had who, like him, throws his temper and insults at us. Man, I think I've accumulated enough insults that could last for decades...it's that bad. If my GPA had nothing to do with him, I would've (tried to) put a stop to this nonsense, instead of choking down his insults like a coward. I told mom about him last night and she immediately told me to go to the dean. Easy for her to say. Ah well, the semester's coming to an end soon. Hopefully by then things won't be as ugly...

Song of the Week! Update

Song of the Week will recommence soon! So stay tuned!!

A Dangerous Test on Luck

Last week Thursday, I visited Ash before she left for school overseas for the first time in 3 years. I had problems getting there as I wasn't familiar with the area she lived in, but the bus driver was nice enough to help me out. By the time I arrived, I had no more than 40 minutes to chat with those there before I had to rush back to school (I visited during a 2 hour break). When I arrived at the bus stop, I had less than 20 minutes before I was late for class and the instructor hated lateness. Anxiety filled my veins and I started wandering off in hope to find a faster route back without any luck. I guess "worry" was written all over my face as this guy, who was mowing his lawn, offered to give me a lift when I passed by. I hesitated for a moment, but a look on my watch made me test my luck. Along the way, I kept my eyes on the road signs as we chatted. In the end, I arrived on time with 5 minutes to spare. It's until I stepped into the building that I started to shake with fear and questioned myself with various "What if?"

I admit, it was definitely a dangerous thing to do and something I shouldn't have attempted at all in the first place. I was lucky that nothing "bad" happened and I'm definitely not doing it ever again!

A Quick Review of Past Events

Random stuff happened during the past month, including the usual quarrels with mom. So here's a quick review:

First off, the job hunt suffered a painful failure. Despite my efforts, I received no reply from anyone. Yes, school has restarted and my class schedule isn't the best. I have two weekly 8:30 morning classes, including Fridays that also end at 8:30 (that's 12 hours in a single day, too bad I don't get paid for it)! At least it's spacious, granting me enough time to finish homework. I could even go to work - that is, if I do scheduled, especially after the stupid mistake I made during a purchase. Oh well. I'll have to leave that aside and concentrate on my studies. It's my last year and I have to do really well to get myself into a university and a well-paying job at the same time...

Last week Wednesday was Mid-Autumn Festival. At home, we don't do any major celebrating and so the day goes by like any other day. But this year, it felt different. I would always have lunch with grandma a few days before the event and she would always give us Moon Cakes (a traditional treat eaten during the festive event). This year, because she's no longer "here," I didn't have any. For the past while, I thought of her when I pass by stands or see TV commercials featuring the festive treat. I guess it's times like this when you realize how much you miss someone dear to you...

Hopeless?

I came by the store last week to get a little something for mom and unexpectedly met the new manager. Although she had the managerial look, she did seem like a nice person. After a brief introduction, I mentioned about the schedule and emphasized my availability throughout the week. I was somewhat relieved when the problem was brought to her attention and rather disappointed the instant I found myself scheduled for only two days this week. I guess it's better than nothing right?

I'm still working hard with my job-hunt, but success seems a little distant and school is going to start soon...

The End Maybe?

I came by the store last week to find that I'm not scheduled to work at all this week. I guess the mistake I made with the merchandise did cost me my job. Could this be the end? My mind is blank right now. Perhaps I'll blog about this on a later date.

Too Many Questions, Too Much Time!

Man, it's 5am and I'm still wide awake. Despite my fatigue, I don't feel like sleeping. Food is now an option and each day is passing by ever so slowly. I'm quite aware of my upset lifestyle, and I'm pretty sure it's not that bad. Besides, it'll change by the time school starts...

The store is no longer "managerless" because the new manager is starting today. Everyone else is scheduled with her throughout the week - except me. As usual, I'm lazying around at home while everyone else are doing their best to leave a good impression with her. Would they, while performing a great show, express how awful I am? I'd seriously die of laughter if I end up introducing myself by Christmas. Would I last that long? Or would my existence be meaningless by then? How would she schedule me? Would she give me the chance? Or would she be filled with irritation from the first sight of me? Who knows!

I am scared, but I'd rather have them answered than to wait like this. The sooner I find out, the better. Besides, this isn't something I can control - might as well accept reality.

Post-Performance Review Shift [Part 2]: Constant Stress

Work has been stressful lately. This morning, I surprised myself by sighing so much while getting ready. I've become really cautious to not make any mistakes in fear of termination. Like today, I made a mistake while stocking merchandise. I was really scared that my co-worker would complain about me when I felt frustration from her (or was I being too sensitive?).

I feel so hopeless with my single weekly shifts and constant worries that I'll get terminated before I find a new job. Am I over-thinking or would it become reality?

Mom hasn't been much help either. She constantly rants about work for hours almost every time she comes home, adding more stress and frustration on me. She even said that I deserve the stuff from work in one of her scoldings.

I feel so depressed that I've lost my appetite (which isn't a good sign). Would there be an end to my misery?

Post-Performance Review Shift

As mentioned in A Negative Performance Evaluation, I was given a shift (on Thursday) to show "improvement." The night before, I was extremely stressed about it and constantly reminded myself to do exceptionally well or else I'll lose my job. At work, I was given a task to reprice an entire section of figurines according to a huge list. At first, I stared in awe and thought "I must finish this FAST!" Things fell and eventually one broke. Although I didn't get penalized, the broken figurine acted as a wake-up call. I shouldn't rush like that. Instead, I should do it at my regular pace and that's what I did. I ignored everyone around me and didn't greet customers like I usually did. Eventually, the section was complete and worked on another task. Soon, my shift was over and got feedback. I was told that I did a good job, concentrated on my given task and blah, blah crap.

I'll still be closely watched in upcoming shifts and if anything happens, I'll be damned for sure. I guess I should be more relaxed about it, knowing what's really going on (of which I'm too lazy to describe, for now at least). According to mom (and it's a bit obvious), they're searching for an excuse to rid me. If I do get terminated, they'll loose a diligent employee.

Meanwhile, I'll continue job-hunting and earn as much as I can before school starts. I guess I should keep my hopes up.

A Negative Performance Evaluation

It's only hours since the appointment, but somehow my memory seems so blurry. Am I trying to avoid it or am I not ready to evaluate the discussion? Whatever the reason, this is what happened...

While getting ready, there was an instant when I wanted to bail. However, after a final thought, I quickly made my way there. It turned out to be a performance evaluation and a bucket of negative comments was thrown in my face. I wasn't productive enough and didn't contribute as much as I should to the store. There were also complaints from my co-workers regarding my poor performance and how frustrated they were with me. Apparently, they didn't tell me directly to my face because they "weren't in the position to do so." Nonetheless, the performance review acted as, like strike one in baseball, a first warning. If my performance doesn't improve, there will be another talk (strike two) and a final one with someone from head office, of which would lead to immediate termination. In the end, I was told that I'm given a single shift to show immediate improvement or else a second warning will fall. Is one shift really enough to show anything of any kind? What should I do? Can anyone tell me?

It's sad that, instead of giving me honest critiques, they decided to complain about me and have it all thrown at my face like this. We occasionally joke with each other, but this is what they did behind my back. Am I really that bad? Should I start fresh with a new job or continue to struggle to keep this one? What can be done?

What Can I Do Now?

Since my manager left, I've only been given a single 4 hour shift on Sundays and it's definitely not what I want. I've already changed my availability to show that I'm able to work throughout the week, but still no change. I've spoken to my assistant manager twice that I wanted more shifts, but she just used petty excuses and lies like "not enough hours to share" when my co-worker had at least 12 hours that week, and "not experienced enough to be on the floor," but seriously, how am I able to improve when I'm not even given the chance to? And now she scheduled an appointment to speak with me tomorrow. About what? I really have no clue. It could be a performance evaluation, or an opportunity to fire me. I don't know and it's really bothering me... What can I do now?

My First Autograph!

Two weeks ago, HK producer/songwriter/singer, Pong Nan, visited Toronto to perform at NTSA (New Talent Singing Awards). Weeks before his performance, I heard about his promotional visit to Market Village and there I was when he came. I took some pictures, but not a whole lot, since mom kept nudging me to prevent me from taking any more because I would "run out of space." Nonetheless, here's a picture of him singing and another one of him signing autographs below.

Even though he smiled at the audience, I couldn't help noticing some sort of sadness in his eyes - even his smiles seemed teary too. Perhaps he was tired from the long flight (which is about 22 hours), but he still seemed depressed when he performed at the awards the next day. Maybe something upsetting happened... Who knows?

Job Availability...

For the past few days, I've been doing a little job hunt (since I'm not getting very few shifts). Last night, I asked Proj. G on MSN if he found a job since he already graduated from the program in April. Apparently, he applied to numerous companies, but none replied yet. I took a look in various job sites to find very little job postings related to my program and slowly started to wonder if I'll find a job after I graduate next year. Perhaps it's because my program's really specific or the positions aren't normally found in regular job sites. Either way, I hope things aren't as bad as I imagine.

Hopefully he'll get a reply soon and that I'll find a well-paying part-time job as well! Good luck to everyone else who are looking for a job too!!

Job Security?

It's been a while since my last entry - I suppose I got too lazy to even turn on my computer. (Yes, it's possible to survive without using your computer for a month, and I'm proof!)

Nothing special happened for the past month until last week Monday. That morning, I found out that the store manager left the position and was shocked. Surely it wasn't of her free will since she dropped by the day before, cheerfully as usual, to pick up something. She has worked for the company for many years and dedicated her life towards it. She would stay way past her shift if the store's busy and would come by voluntarily to help out on her days off. She was really nice and would help you in every way possible. Of course, she would set you straight if you're doing something incorrectly, but that's her job: to keep the store running smoothly and properly. She even visited yesterday to see how we were doing. There was no way she would resign from the position, it's just not possible.

And, I was right.

It turned out that she got fired for reasons I don't wish to know of. It's so cruel. How can the company remove a dedicated employee just like that? Didn't they have second thoughts? Had they any doubts? I hope they'll regret for their loss and they fully deserve it, though it's pretty unlikely. I hope she'll find another job soon and live on happily. Some things just needs to be forgotten...

Next week is my one-year anniversary since I started and this sort of thing had to happen. I guess it's true, there is no job security in Canada.

Song of the Week!

Here's a short trip down memory lane! This week's song is "This I Promise You" by *NSYNC! I'm pretty sure this song will bring back memories, especially for those from the 90's!

Hope you'll like the pick of the week!

Temporary Normality...

With an apology, things seems to be back to "normal." I'm not sure for how long this normality would continue, or how soon the next outburst is. All I hope for is stability so I can continue to fully concentrate on my studies. Besides, I'm sick and tired from all the drama. I only want peace and quiet, if that's not too much to ask for...

It Doesn't Make Any Sense...

Just now, mom called me in to have a "talk" of which started with "What are you going to say to me? Are you going to apologize?" Through our little talk, I learned that I'm the one who made her tell me to move out, that I'm the one who made her say "You're no longer my daughter" to me. Does this make any sense at all?!

Seriously, I don't get her. With my obvious frustration over the topic and from what happened last night, I didn't bother to "appear" polite and mask whatever's in my mind. So, the talk didn't end nicely, with her constantly saying that I was rude to her and that I'm the one who wants to move out. How ironic! I don't even know what's right and what's wrong in this picture anymore - I can't even think logically for the time being. Furthermore, I don't even care if I'll continue to live with her. My only concern is that I have a roof to live under and a bed to sleep on (but then again, the floor doesn't seem that bad either).

What am I supposed to do? I'm really confused. Should I go back in there and apologize for things I didn't do? Maybe I should. After all, she's still my mother. But somehow, it doesn't feel right...

How Much More Can I Stand?

Mom was yelling at me just now. I don't know how much more I can stand, or how much more would give me a nervous breakdown. I'm trying so hard to hang on, but slowly I'm loosing grip. I've thought of moving out, I really have. The only thing that's stopping me is the thought of mom being all by herself from then on, without anyone around to help her or to take care of her.

Problem is, her temper is something I'm trying really hard to withstand, to tolerate. All I'm hoping is to survive all this til the very end, when she's really old - too old to yell at me.

Will I make it? Will I collapse before I'm there? Or will I give up in the middle? Only time will tell...

Do I Really Deserve This?

As usual, mom's yelling at me again, and to add more pain, my head is pounding right now. So much has been in my mind lately, and her yellings aren't doing much for me - except giving me more pain. I have several worries about school, financial stability and everything in between. Now, I'm going to add more stuffing to my already-congested mind with worries related to moving out and renting my own place. I feel like the boy who cried wolf right now. It's not the first time I've complained about this and my wanting to move out, and yet I still stayed with her. It's useless to complain - I know - but there's no way I'll last for 6 months on my own.

Regretting my past decisions, I'm trying so hard to hang on and not even sure when I'll loose my grip. It's so hard to breathe right now and tears are rolling down my cheeks (from headache and this) while typing this entry...

(Sigh) Finally, silence... Maybe I'll have some peace of mind now...

Song of the Week

The song featured this week is "Too Late" by Dead by Sunrise. Dead by Sunrise is Chester Bennington's (Linkin Park's lead vocalist) side project. When I first downloaded their debut album weeks ago (called Out of Ashes), I was surprised to hear his voice (at the time I didn't know he was part of it). Without fail, I love the songs in the album.

And so, here it is: Too Late by Dead by Sunrise!!

Song of the Week!

After such a long time, I'm finally continuing "Song of the Week!" The song featured is called Forever Love by DBSK.

During the funeral, when I looked at grandma lying peacefully in the coffin, this song played in my mind. It's such a nice song, yet I thought of it at that time - not sure if it's a good thing or not...


Anyways, DBSK's Forever Love is this week's Song of the Week!

Grandma, I'll Miss You Always

I received a phone call from dad last Tuesday. He told me that grandma had a stroke and was sent to the hospital. Upon hearing that, I immediately made my way there to see her. According to the doctor, 75% of her brain was gone and only 25% remained. Her chance for full recovery was minimal.

At the hospital, grandma was already in coma and and seemed to have problems breathing. She relied on oxygen and despite her coma state, she would open her mouth and gasp for air (or seemed so) every now and then. At the time, it felt like she was in some sort of pain. I stood by her bedside for two hours or so until I had to return home as I had class at 8:30 in the morning.

The next day, I called dad to find out how she was. I even planned to visit her on Saturday. Unfortunately, she passed away on Thursday morning and the funeral was scheduled that Saturday.

At the funeral, people cried and sobbed and I stood there, emotionless. When I saw her lying in the coffin, she seemed quite peaceful, as if fast asleep.

Afterwards, we gathered and had a meal together. At the restaurant, people ate and ironically laughed at each other's jokes. I couldn't bear to even smile and not to mention laugh. In my mind, I repeated the same question over and over again: "How can these people laugh? Their mother and grandmother just passed and yet they are able to laugh?!" It was quite shocking to me. The ones who were crying and sobbing at the funeral were now laughing at the restaurant. How ironic!

I knew the time would come for her to pass, but didn't expect it to come this soon, especially when I visited her the week before. At that time, she was quite healthy and complained how her joints hurt, giving her problems with walking.

All I hope for is peace of mind and happiness for those who misses her and that they could move on.

A Sudden Thought: Studying Under a Snowfall

Today I had a pharmaceutical test. To study for it, I went to E.C.'s place for a group study. In the midst of figuring out a test review question, I looked out the window to a cloudy sky and thought, "Wouldn't it be nice to see a light snowfall?" - and it would!

Just imagine: clearing your mind or simply taking a short break by looking at a beautiful snowfall outside... To me, that's gorgeous! Too bad, it never did - no matter how many times I've glanced. I guess the snow didn't want to fall, did they?

An End to My Resentment..

I just talked to Sea. Turned out Proj. G really does have a girlfriend. My decision in giving up on him was a right one after all. Don't know why I wanted to blog about this. But hey, I did and it's too late for me to worry about it now isn't it?

A Resentment Continued...

Remember my previous entry titled A Resentment...? It mentioned my resentment towards starting a conversation with Proj. G (I changed his code name from just "G" to "Proj. G"). For the past while, I've tried talking to him at school and find there's nothing to talk about. On MSN, our conversations would not last for more than 30 minutes. Why am I doing this anyways? It's not like me to force myself into doing something like this. I've already gone beyond my comfort zone.

Maybe I should just give up and move on.

Valentine's Day Blues

Since this morning, I was feeling a bit blue. I don't know why, but somehow I've been feeling a bit down throughout the day. Maybe it's just me, but as someone who's still single and dateless, Valentine's Day isn't the best day for me to celebrate. The only thing I can be happy about is having a shift and making money on this "unhappy" day of mine.

I don't know - it's weird. Maybe I'm just being silly...am I?

Anyhow, I hope couples around the world had a really lovely and romantic day. Wishing them all the best and the happiest times ever!

A Very Happy Birthday!!

In the end, I didn't attend my friend's wedding. Mom was against it the entire time because I didn't receive a proper invitation to the party. She was afraid that I would undergo some sort of embarrassment when the bride didn't expect my arrival. I don't know, it's weird. But hey, mom was just trying to protect me right?

So, I stayed home and had a pretty "relaxing" birthday. All I did was watch TV, listen to music and talk to people on MSN. Despite the peacefulness, it was a rather boring day. Worst of all, there was no cake - a great disappointment. And so, the day passed by as if it was any other day...

The next day, I met up with Kay and E.C., the friend from Korean BBQ!! who described my pile of meat as Mount Everest, at Town Centre RT station. Together, we took the RT to downtown and had lunch at Forest View Chinese restaurant for some Dim Sum. Finding the restaurant was not a breeze as we had a little trouble locating its specific location. Still, we did and had a fun time eating. After the meal, we went to Eaton's Centre where Cat joined us with a little surprise, a Black Forest cake! Even though it wasn't a good quality cake, I was so happy that I couldn't help hugging her at the sight of it.

That brought us to our next mission, finding a place to enjoy the cake! After a long discussion, we finally decided to go to E.C.'s place. Along the way, Cat and E.C. bought wine and soon we arrived at his place. We took off our jackets and slumped onto the couch while E.C. took out plates and glasses for the cake and wine. Almost on cue, Cat quickly opened the bottle and poured me a glass...and that was how I had my first drink! The taste of the alcohol wasn't that pleasant, but I did manage to ingest two glasses - not a whole lot because my goal was to give it a try and NOT get drunk.

Soon the sky was dark, bidding us to return home...

We all had a blast! Even though it was past my birthday, the day was intended to celebrate it. And now, I can happily say that I had a very happy birthday!!

Korean BBQ!!

About a month after my last post, I'm back to do a little ranting...at least that's what I think I'm going to do.

Nothing really exciting happened during the past month. On the last day of exams, we finished at around 9am and decided right then to go to downtown for Korean BBQ. After waiting in the cold for an hour or so (for none other than the bus, geez..), we finally arrived at the station and took the subway. Surprisingly, we arrived at the restaurant around 11am and had to walk around the area until it opens half an hour later. To my amazement, a lot of customers were already inside by the time we came back! As soon we got ourselves seated, we quickly ordered and the meat was almost immediately served. It was fun. At first, I fought with Jo over the grill, but soon there wasn't a need to. Everyone kept piling meat on my plate until one of them described it as "Mount Everest!" In the end, I conquered Mount Everest!

To burn off the meal, we walked around and soon travelled to Chester station for some desert at Dimitri's! By the time we finished, the sky was getting dark and home we went. The day was fun. I enjoyed it.

As for my Christmas holiday? Well, it wasn't that great. For Christmas, I had a sore throat and a cold for New Year's. To top that, I had work (but at least I made money, so it wasn't that bad).

This Saturday's my birthday. I'm not really expecting much - especially when there's a friend's wedding. Somehow, beneath the excitement, I feel that everyone has ignored my birthday. Perhaps it's just me being overly sensitive - who knows? Surely, I'd be pretty lucky if mom decides to not scold me on that day...

Who knows? Only time will tell...